The Perilous Inquirer
Vol 1, 52nd Issue
June 27, 2014

HOW DEADBOB MET LADY TANG
Sometime during the DOS Age, DeadBob crossed the Gallowine River into Sosaria disguised as an itinerant grave robber. Dropping his heavy accent and old surname like a hot grenade, he immediately set about setting up toll booths on the highways and bridges, accosting the King’s messengers and sending the Royal family threatening & suggestive letters.
It was during this phase of active communication with the Royal family that Lady Tang, Handmaiden to the Princess Gladwrap, came across the Princess’ collection of DeadBob’s more suggestive letters and became intrigued by his vivid imagination, or “Fevered delusions,” as she coyly opined. Being of helpful heart, Lady Tang set out one day with Lord Protector Sir GaggingLance to save DeadBob’s immortal soul and to bring his mortal body into civilized society. They found him under a nearby toll bridge singing lurid elf songs to guffawing trolls. The good Lady prevailed upon him to accept a full pardon and job as the editor of the Kingdom’s newspaper, the Sosarian Beagle, at a salary highway men can only dream of, in exchange for which he reluctantly gave up his sordid outlaw ways.
Under Lady Tang’s tutelage, DeadBob done good. He delved into indepth articles about the Nobles and set aside enough “unpublishable” material to assure a comfortable retirement on hefty blackmail payments.
EPILOGUE: Last Friday, DeadBob and Lady Tang celebrated their 18th year together, having first met online in 1994 while playing Sierra’s early multiplayer game, ImagiNation Network.

A YORK MOMENT
“I didn’t sleep well last night, so this morning I drank Monster energy drinks instead of coffee. I was on the freeway headed for work when I realized I forgot my car.”

THE PERILS OF KATTASROPHE
Part 2 of 3 Demoiselle en Détresse
“You are just too good!” sneered Mr Bill. “Always helping others, entertaining them by putting on events and plays and interviewing players for the newspaper and even giving away gold and things.
“Then why are you sneering at me?” Katt truly wondered.
“This is my smile,” he sneered. “And on top of everything else, you’re cheerful. Gah!!” And with that, he threw her into a big web and cast a scotch tape spell across her.
“Is this a proposal?” Katt asked, bewildered.
“See what I mean? You’re a forever optimist!”
“Then why am I here?”
“Because, my dear, you make me look bad. And my pets are hungry,” Mr Bill chortled. “You are so charitable, I’m sure you will enjoy feeding them.” He cast a summoning spell into the shadows and swarms of slavering arachnids swarmed towards the trapped Katt who squirmed and struggled against her gluey bonds.
“Oh noooo! Mr. Bill,” she cried!
Will Katt escape the web of the dastardly Mr. Bill? Don’t miss Part 3!

HOROSCOPE
Cancer Jun 22 – Jul 22
You will never again be able to live in peace due to the enduring and seductive power of your moose call.

PKrs BALL
All players are invited to the Annual PKrs BALL & Benefit to be held at 7 PM EST next Friday at the Perilous Inquirer.
Free Liquor will flow. Free Bandages will be soaked. Door Prizes will be Handed Out by the Door Prize Steward and a Drawing will be Held for a complete 52 Volume set of The Perilous Inquirer.
Benefit donations are strictly voluntary and may be placed in the mailbox. 100% of your donation will go to the Widows & Orphans of Alien Abductees.
Don’t miss this Signature Siege Event!
Ghost Hosted by DeadBob.

The Perilous Inquirer
Vol. 1, 52nd Issue
3rd house on left out the Luna south gate.
News & Booze!
Free current issues are on the “News” steward.
Free named liquors are on the “Booze” steward.
Back copies are free on the shop named, “Siege Droppings.”
Ace Reporter: Governor Lady Kattasrophe
Deliveries: Doug The Fugitive

~sine die~

Join the conversation at
http://uo2.stratics.com/community/threads/the-perilous-inquirer-last-issue.317569/

The Perilous Inquirer
Vol 1, 51st Issue
June 20, 2014

EM TROUBADOUR
Interview by Kattasrophe
EM Troubadour has played Ultima Online since the first day of its release. “I considered myself luck to live in one of the few countries that already had cable Internet which really helped,” he said.
“I won’t say it was a choice to go on Siege, but I did volunteer for the shard. “I think that Siege presents a greater challenge for both, player and EM and I love a good challenge,” he commented after me asking if he chose Siege.
What shard is EM Troubadour originally from? “I started out on Atlantic and while I have characters on many different shards, Atlantic is and always will be my home.
What made him decide to become an EM? “After almost 17 years in a game, you tend to look for new ways to contribute to something you love. This seemed like a great way to give something back to the community. I also get to kill people! What could be better than that?
What is his favorite template? “That is a difficult question. I use different characters for different things. Fishing when I want to relax, a tamer for Peerless or T-maps, a mage variant for most PvM and some PvP.”
See the complete “EM Troubador Interview” on Stratics.

WoW USING SIEGE FOR RENDITION
This reporter has learned that WoW players set up a secret base here on Siege Perilous to interrogate opponents, using methods too harsh for the WoW Code Of Conduct. “It’s also a lot of fun,” according to my unnamable source. “This place rocks.”

THE PERILS OF KATTASROPHE
Part 1 of 3 Demoiselle en Détresse
The beautiful Princess Kattasrophe, known to her friends and court familiars as Katt, most graciously tipped the messenger who brought her flowers as he bowed & scraped away. Suddenly, she heard a buzzing at her ear and felt a sting on her neck. Viciously slapping the bee to the floor, she raised her foot to stomp it when she noticed, “That’s no ordinary bee. It looks like….” The sting from the Hypnotic Bee made her woozy.
Dashing to the window, she flung it open for fresh air as more bees rose from the roses. Dizzy from the sting, Princess Katt fell out the window, pursued by the swarm of bees. It was a long way down. Luckily, she was wearing full petticoats that bloomed open to form a parachute and slow her fall. Unluckily, the swarm of bees now gained on her. Their hypnotic buzzing formed words, “Marry Mr. Bill, marry Mr. Bill,” they repeated over and over.
“Oh noooo! Mr. Bill,” cried Katt as she landed next to a moongate. Stepping hastily into it avoid more bee stings, she failed to notice the quirky oddness of the moongate until she was transported and then it vanished altogether! Where was she? Had she escaped from the Dastardly Mr. Bill only never return to her beloved Hearth Castle, home of her loving family?
Princess Katt drew herself up to her full 4’7″ and looked around. It was a dark and stormy night. She was cold and hungry and now wet. Ahead, she could barely make out a glow of light that resolved into candle lit windows as she approached a small cottage. Knocking on the door, she couldn’t stop thinking about Mr. Bill’s despicable attempt to force her to marry him. What was he thinking?
Suddenly, the door opened and she was whisked inside. The high pitched squeaky laugh of Mr. Bill greeted her as his eight spider legs danced insanely on the floor.
“Oh noooo! Mr. Bill,” cried Katt, reaching for her frying pan.
Will Katt escape the clutches of The Dastardly Mr. Bill? Don’t miss Part 2 in the next issue of the Perilous Inquirer!

QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Ander, “I always got caught by the GM without a pickaxe and UO jail is really dull without it.”

TRIVIA MONK
To receive a prize, be the first to go to the Trivia Monk on our steps & say the word that answers this question:
“What TV show featured the Play-doh character, Mr. Bill?”

The Perilous Inquirer
Vol. 1, 51st Issue
3rd house on left out the Luna south gate.
News & Booze!
Free current issues are on the “News” steward.
Free named liquors are on the “Booze” steward.
Back copies are free on the shop named, “Siege Droppings.”
Submission guidelines are posted on the bulletin board.
Ace Reporter: Governor Lady Kattasrophe
Deliveries: Doug The Fugitive

~sine die~

Join the discussion at:
http://uo2.stratics.com/community/threads/the-perilous-inquirer-51st-issue.317300/

The Perilous Inquirer
Vol 1, 50th Issue
Friday the 13th, June, 2014

FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY ISSUE

PORTENTS
In the wee hours of this morning, I put together the 50th issue of the Perilous Inquirer on Friday the 13th during a full moon. A black cat crossed my thoughts. I saw the night through the open window in front of my desk as a meteor streaked through a display of the aurora borealis, a giant hand wrote Vote For Change across the sky in wind swept clouds and a flock of crows flew by in the shape of a middle finger. From the street below my window came the sounds of a large dog being unexpectedly struck by a larger vehicle. Suddenly, I had the overpowering feeling that the end was near.
Yes, issue 52 will be our last issue. But to the very end, we shall publish only the truth, and we shall never quote out of context.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK
“I also have it on good authority that the Stratics mods were behind 9/11 and are heading the research on some crashed UFOs in the Nevada desert. There has also been talk that they were involved in the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand in 1914, but that one seems a little far-fetched to me.”
– Hoffs, from his forthcoming book, Confessions To My Analyst.

GOVERNORS INVESTIGATED
– by Kattasrophe
Governors Gooch and Kattasrohe are being investigated. Why you ask? Gooch is being investigated for the harassment of the people in Nu’Jelm and for breaking Moonglow’s quarantine. Kattasrophe is charged with the murder of Moonglow citizens. Join the discussion of their actions this Sunday, June the 15th, at the Council meeting in Serpent’s Hold. Get the real story!

THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF JACK CORDWOOD
Jack, UO Bowyer and avid hunter, was interviewed by an animal rights activist who plays on the European shard. The journalist asked, “What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, ‘Are you my friend?’ or is it ‘Are you the one that killed my brother?'”
Jack replied, “Deer aren’t capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, ‘What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away.’ They are very much like animal rights activists.” The interview ended at that point.
Buy Jack Cordwood Bows! Shoot straight!

HOROSCOPE
Gemini May 21 – Jun 21
Avoid people who find personally meaningful patterns in the movement of stars and planets.

TRIVIA MONK
To receive a prize, be the first to go to the Trivia Monk on our steps & say the word that answers this question:
“What was the occupation of Richard Garriott’s father?”

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
EM Is Anti-Family:
Troubadour is ant-family! He scheduled a Governors’ Meeting for Father’s Day!!
– Bo “Bo” Bo
~
Official Response:
Trou simply scheduled the Governors’ Meeting on the best day available.
Bo ain’t the father, anyway.
– Spokesperson, Wulf2k

The Perilous Inquirer
Vol. 1, 50th Issue
3rd house on left out the Luna south gate.
News & Booze!
Free current issues are on the “News” steward.
Free named liquors are on the “Booze” steward.
Back copies are free on the shop named, “Siege Droppings.”
Submission guidelines are posted on the bulletin board.
Ace Reporter: Governor Lady Kattasrophe
Supplier of Red Leaves: Sara Dale
Deliveries: Doug The Fugitive

~sine die~

Join the discussion at
http://uo2.stratics.com/community/threads/the-perilous-inquirer-fiftieth-anniversary-issue.317033/

The Perilous Inquirer
Vol 1, 49th Issue
June 6, 2014

ONLY 3 ISSUES REMAINING
The Perilous Inquirer will cease publication after the forthcoming 52nd issue. It’s been a year of fun. So many others have contributed that I cannot name them all here but readers and supporters know who they are. Please accept my heartfelt thanks, all of you. Some readers, probably those less literate or completely unhinged, actually collect all issues. Back copies will continue to be placed for a while on the vendor, Siege Droppings.
Priorities change. I have finished my novel, The Phoenix Diary, and am currently self-editing the final draft. So I’ll be spending July onward promoting it to publishers. Wish me luck It’s not deathless prose; but a light Sci-Fi adventure about 3 teens and their quest to restore civilization in the world of 2100. You can get an idea of it at http://ThePhoenixDiary.com. Oh, and the illustrator, Rachel Cowan, is a player I met on UO.

CASINO NIGHT
The 3rd Barter Town Casino Night is this Sunday June 8th 8:00-9:00pm EST
Read all about it here: http://uo2.stratics.com/community/threads/the-3rd-barter-town-casino-night-sunday-june-8th-8-00-9-00pm-est.315758/
Pictures included for those who um, need them.

ADVICE TO THE LOVE-LOST
By Dr. BN’dere-Dundat
StUdLy writes: “I got a great bod! Flowing blond hair, rakish mustache. Big sword and I’m naked!! My title is “Ready” -yet girls don’t talk to me much. What else do I need?”
Dr. Ruth: “A life?”
~
Wyllng writes: “Please help me *sob* Dr. Ruth. I meet so many wonderful guys here and they always say such nice things to me and fill me with their joy and then I fall in love with them and give them my heart and then *uncontrollable sob* I find out all they wanted wasn’t my heart at all but….”
Dr. Ruth: “Thanks, Willng. I understand. Be comforted that this never happens to you in the real world, does it, my dear?”

NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH REPORT
Stoned guy still waiting for stop sign to turn green.

HOROSCOPE
Gemini May 21 – Jun 21
Enlightenment and confusion will be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.

TRIVIA MONK
To receive a prize, be the first to go to the Trivia Monk on our steps & say the word that answers this question:
“What spell did UO ban after it was used to bombard people inside their homes?”

BELLAIRE MUSEUM SHOP
Ring in the Summer at the classy Bellaire Museum Shop, just SE of the TerMur moongate, within GuardZone.
Always stocked with unique items you won’t find elsewhere. Walk to the roof and enjoy a safe and pleasant shopping trip.
Holden Caulfield, Proprietor.

CORRECTION
In the last issue we may have incorrectly reported that the new guild from Atlanta is named Exported Exulted Exiles Klub (EEEK). The correct name is Exported Exulted Exiles (~**~). Or maybe they just changed their name to embarrass us. We report, you decide.

The Perilous Inquirer
Vol. 1, 49th Issue
3rd house on left out the Luna south gate.
News & Booze!
Free current issues are on the “News” steward.
Free named liquors are on the “Booze” steward.
Back copies are free on the shop named, “Siege Droppings.”
Submission guidelines are posted on the bulletin board.
Ace Reporter: Governor Lady Kattasrophe
Deliveries: Doug The Fugitive

~sine die~

Join the discussion at
http://uo2.stratics.com/community/threads/the-perilous-inquirer-49th-issue.316763/

The Perilous Inquirer
Vol 1, 48th Issue
May 30, 2014

GUILD MOVES TO SIEGE
A small Atlantic guild, Exported Exulted Exiles Klub (EEEK), has opened their doors in Malas. Similar to NEW2, the guild members spend their time and resources helping other players.
Some of you may know the Guildmistress, Shachar, who has an impeccable reputation on Atlantic as a community supporter. (I will personally vouch for her. She helped raise over 200 million gold in a single event for the Hall Of Players on Atlantic.)
These are experienced UO players who expect to enjoy the excitement of Siege life and they could bring in more players who actually stay here.
We welcome them to Siege.

SERVERS DOWN
Spokesperson Wang Dong, aka UglyGorilla, denied any Chinese involvement in the EMP explosion at Broadsword studios this week.
“Think about it,” he explained, “EMP grenades cost at least 20k on the black market. Each. Destroying a LAN of Commodore VIC-20 servers with an EMP is not economically feasible. It was probably the North Koreans.”

And now, for all the Chicken fighters out there….
CHICKEN FIGHT SONG
Sing it Loud & Sing it Proud
(To the tune of “South Park”)
“Chicken Fighters everywhere,
Fighting fowl & never fair,
Ripping flesh & eyeballs popping,
Opponents slipping on our droppings!
Fighting on for gory glory,
Singing sagas of our story.
Chicken Fighters EveryWhere!”
(repeat ad nausium

UO SURVEY
Real life surveys show that production shard players say, “Oh S***” before their car slides into a ditch on a slippery road. Siege players say, “Hold my beer and watch this.”

HOROSCOPE
Gemini May 21 – Jun 21
You will be forced to leave the best home you ever had when the authorities realize your sentence is up.

TRIVIA MONK
To receive a prize, be the first to go to the Trivia Monk on our steps & say the word that answers this question:
“Who started the guild, Exported Exulted Exiles?”

BELLAIRE MUSEUM SHOP
Ring in the Summer at the classy Bellaire Museum Shop, just SE of the TerMur moongate, within GuardZone.
Always stocked with unique items you won’t find elsewhere. Walk to the roof and enjoy a safe and pleasant shopping trip.
Holden Caulfield, Proprietor.

The Perilous Inquirer
Vol. 1, 48th Issue
3rd house on left out the Luna south gate.
News & Booze!
Free current issues are on the “News” steward.
Free named liquors are on the “Booze” steward.
Back copies are free on the shop named, “Siege Droppings.”
Submission guidelines are posted on the bulletin board.
Ace Reporter: Governor Lady Kattasrophe
Deliveries: Doug The Fugitive

~sine die~

Join the discussion at
http://uo2.stratics.com/community/threads/the-perilous-inquirer-48th-issue.316502/

The Perilous Inquirer
Vol 1, 47th Issue
May 23, 2014

NEW PLAYERS COMING?
Siege Perilous is being considered as the site for a retirement home for ancient aliens according to @!*#!, which loosely translates as “Intergalactic Society For People We No Longer Need.”
According to society spokesperson P*K@#^-san, whose name loosely translates as “Wets Himself Joyously,” Siege is perfect. “Flat ground is the number one consideration. I mean, the old folk will still bump into things but falling from heights won’t be a problem. No children is a plus. And, of course, you can end it all just by going for a walk.”

THE BARD OF SIEGE MYSTERY
– By Kattasrophe
After a long day of fighting, I decided to go to Luna to rest for a moment. I found a book on the ground titled, “An Angry Young Man.”
Being the curious person I am, I opened the book and read:
“As I sit here looking, what do I see? I see an angry young man so starved for attention that he will say or do anything, right or wrong, to get it. I see those who feed that craving by making him the center of attention whenever he comes online. If others don’t start something, he will, to get all attention focused on him. Think about it.”
So, here I was, wondering who was this angry player? To be honest, the story made me think of Hand Of Doom, a PK who can be rude.
The Bard Of Siege has written other books and I wonder who the author is. Is it a mysterious alt character of someone we all know? Are they even from Siege Perilous?
This could just be someone expressing an opinion, Or it could be a keen observer telling another Siege story.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY
– By Kattasrophe
Special Happy Birthday wishes for Dr D, whose birthday was this Wednesday the 21st, and to Kaisa, whose birthday will be on the 28th. May Siege be blessed by many more of your birthdays!

HOROSCOPE
Gemini May 21 – Jun 21
Your lofty dreams of serving humanity will come to fruition soon when you serve your fellow Siege players as a kind of mobile blood bank.

TRIVIA MONK
To receive a prize, be the first to go to the Trivia Monk on our steps & say the word that answers this question:
“Name the Owner of Waterfall Bridge Shop.”

The Perilous Inquirer
Vol. 1, 47th Issue
3rd house on left out the Luna south gate.
News & Booze!
Free current issues are on the “News” steward.
Free named liquors are on the “Booze” steward.
Back copies are free on the shop named, “Siege Droppings.”
Submission guidelines are posted on the bulletin board.
Ace Reporter: Governor Lady Kattasrophe
House Bowyer: Jack Cordwood
Deliveries: Doug The Fugitive

~sine die~

Join the discussion at
http://uo2.stratics.com/community/threads/the-perilous-inquirer-47th-issue.316184/

The Perilous Inquirer
Vol 1, 46th Issue
May 16, 2014

GM HERDER
STARTS NEW GUILD
“I’m pretty sure I’m carrying out God’s will,” Hand of Doom explained, “All God’s creatures are flocking to me. I call the guild, M.I.N.E.”
“And that stands for?” I asked.
“Mine.”
“Um, OK, does your guild do anything? Events, maybe?”
“Sure. We do Slow Bar-B-Ques – that’s where I BBQ the slower critters. Then there’s Mating Season. I get to watch that.”
“OoKaay. Thanks & goodbye.”

HOUSE HIDER RANTS
ON BANK SITTERS
“Why do they even log on? They never go anywhere,” Moon Dock points out. “They’re afraid to leave the guard zone, so they never hunt or quest or explore.
They might just as well, you know, stay at home.”

HOROSCOPE
Taurus Apr 20 – May 20
Your love of sports & physical activity will not go unrewarded: You’ll soon become the only person ever to compete in the Olympics, the Paralympics, and the Special Olympics.

TRIVIA MONK
To receive a prize, be the first to go to the Trivia Monk on our steps & answer this question:
“Name the moongate nearest to Gwenno’s memorial.”

JACK CORDWOOD, BOWYER
Jack showed up late in Elk hunting camp this year. Asked why, he explained. “The wife didn’t want me to go. That made me sulk around the house feeling really low until my wife finally took notice.
She disappeared into the bedroom and waltzed out a few minutes later wearing the smallest negligee I’ve ever seen. Then she explained that she felt bad that I couldn’t go elk hunting and suggested that I tie her up and do anything I wanted.”
Buy Jack Cordwood Bows! Archery In Action!

PROMOTE!
Let us help promote your vendor or event with an ad or notice in the weekly paper. Leave a message for me here (keep, it short), or drop a book with a one page ad in our mailbox at  the Perilous Inquirer.
The deadline for submissions is Wednesday for the issue that comes out Friday.

The Perilous Inquirer
Vol. 1, 46th Issue
3rd house on left out the Luna south gate.
News & Booze! Free current issues are on the “News” steward. Free named liquors are on the “Booze” steward. Back copies are

free on the shop named, “Siege Droppings.” Submission guidelines are posted on the bulletin board.
Ace Reporter: Governor Lady Kattasrophe
Purveyor of Red Leaves: Dionysis
Deliveries: Doug The Fugitive

~sine die~

Join the discussion at
http://uo2.stratics.com/community/threads/the-perilous-inquirer-46th-issue.315935/

The Perilous Inquirer
Vol 1, 45th Issue
May 9, 2014

PUBLIC AUCTION
Shard Public Auction Sat 10 May.
Don’t Miss This!
Details at:
http://uo2.stratics.com/community/threads/shard-public-auction.314642/#post-2383054

DRAWINGS
On cave wall prove to be early UO porn, according to noted archeologist, Tazar. “At first, we thought they were drawings of men attacking animals from behind with spears.”

ANCIENT ALIEN MAP
Recent discovery of an Ancient Alien Map of our sector of the Milky Way galaxy explains why we see fewer interplanetary visitors these days. The map shows our solar system “X’d” out in great red splotches along with a (recently translated)  warning, “Here there be Humans!”

ESO – THUMBS UP!
Elder Scrolls Online is a great quest game for those of us who love to “get stuff.” Gaining the next level and getting better gear becomes a manic quest of its own.
Yes, the ESO world is immersive & the story lines are engaging but I don’t care. I just  kill & rob & loot.
Ahhh, ESO is fun!

TRIVIA MONK
To receive a prize, be the first to go to the Trivia Monk on our steps & answer this question:
“What rabbit is the deadliest bunny in UO?”

HOROSCOPE
Taurus Apr 20 – May 20
You will undergo profound changes because that parasite you didn’t know you swallowed yesterday is becoming aware.

PROMOTE!
Let us help promote your vendor or event with an ad or notice in the weekly paper. Leave a message for me here (keep, it short), or drop a book with a one page ad in our mailbox at  the Perilous Inquirer.
The deadline for submissions is Wednesday for the issue that comes out Friday.

The Perilous Inquirer
Vol. 1, 45th Issue
3rd house on left out the Luna south gate.
News & Booze!
Free current issues are on the “News” steward. Free named liquors are on the “Booze” steward. Back copies are free on the shop named, “Siege Droppings.”
Submission guidelines are posted on the bulletin board.
Ace Reporter: Governor Lady Kattasrophe
Purveyor of Red Leaves: Dionysis
Deliveries: Doug The Fugitive

~sine die~

Join the discussion at
http://uo2.stratics.com/community/threads/the-perilous-inquirer-45th-issue.315609/

The Perilous Inquirer
Vol 1, 44th Issue
May 2, 2014

SIEGE SCENES
<> Strange outgrowths erupting in Barter Town. See screen shots at:
http://uo2.stratics.com/community/threads/like-us-or-hate-us-were-here-to-stay.315157/
<> Hand Of DooM, standing in Luna, offering for sale a signed edition of the bible.
<> “Women,” Grimlex snorted. “I tried to be polite and hold the door open for one, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

SIEGE CHANTY
We sail the seas of Perilous, to seek the Serpent Pillar,
The cannons are manned by the best of us, but a drunk is at the tiller.
We’re good men all, except the lass, and she’s good sooner than later.
We were having a ball & kickin’ ass when a ‘gator ate the navigator,
Then a gale came up and & the sails grew fat, and the Captain swore a pledge,
“I’ll save us lads, though the map be flat,” and we sailed right off the edge.
– DeadBob ©2013

JACK CORDWOOD, BOWER
Jack won the Siege Hunting Joke contest when he was given the word Timbuktu and 2 minutes to make up a poem to win. After thoughtfully scratching himself, Jack came out with,
“Me and Tim a huntin we went met three gals in a pop up tent they was three and we was two so i bucked one and Timbuktu.”
Buy Jack Cordwood Bows! Sheer poetry in Archery!

PROMOTE YOUR VENDOR
Count on us to help promote your vendor with an ad in the weekly paper. Leave a message for me here (keep, it short), or drop a book with a one page ad in my mailbox at  the Perilous Inquirer. The deadline for submissions is Wednesday for the issue that comes out Friday.

HOROSCOPE
Taurus Apr 20 – May 20
The aliens that abducted you will want their probe back.

TRIVIA MONK
To receive a prize, be the first to go to the Trivia Monk on our steps & answer this question:
“In what bank can you NOT mark a rune?”

The Perilous Inquirer
Vol. 1, 44th Issue
3rd house on left out the Luna south gate.
News & Booze! Free current issues are on the “News” steward. Free named liquors are on the “Booze” steward. Back copies are free on the shop named, “Siege Droppings.” Submission guidelines are posted on the bulletin board.
Ace Reporter: Governor Lady Kattasrophe
Advisor: York
Deliveries: Doug The Fugitive

~sine die~

Join the discussion at
http://uo2.stratics.com/community/threads/the-perilous-inquirer-44th-issue.315295/

The Perilous Inquirer
Vol 1, 43rd Issue
April 25, 2014

MONDAIN’S DIARY
(excerpted – How I got the Gem Of Immortality)
Minax and I lived on an island in those days. We were young and in love and very happy. While I busied myself with research, Minax spent her days doing Minax things to small furry creatures.
My research centered on the strange lights that flickered offshore. They were very bright at night and sometimes blood would swell up into the sea from beneath the dancing lights. Minax discovered this first.
I found her one moony night, keening and gibbering madly on the beach, naked and covered in the blood of the sea. Only by letting her suck my neck could I sooth her long enough to carry her to the water trough and bathe her.
I determined to discover for myself what lay in those depths. And, with the help of my trusty island pigmy assistant, Baldric, I build a diving chamber. We loaded it onto a small boat and we paddled one evening to the spot where the lights came out at night.
As those devilish lights began hopping about the surface, I crammed Baldric into the chamber and lowered him by rope into the bleeding sea. Although he lacked an air supply, Baldric had confidence in my ability to decipher his tugs on the rope. The mere frantic I ignored, but truly convulsive tugs meant his skin was turning blue and I would haul him up, much to his relief, for a wheezy debriefing.
Soon, a picture emerged of a sunken ship resting on the bottom. Before poor Baldric went into convulsions, I learned that the prowl of that ship was adorned by a human skull pouring blood from its eyes!
Well, that settled it. Baldric would have to go down one more time and get that skull. Of course, I was deeply concerned about Baldric. The way he was flopping around now, he could damage that skull while retrieving it. But we scientists must take risks so, shouting my instructions, I plopped him in one last time and prayed for the skull’s deliverance.
And he did it! Baldric got the skull! He never was quite right after this but he had always been a bit twitchy to begin with. And I had the skull!
I immediately saw the key clenched in the teeth of the skull. I pried the key loose and read the inscription on its side, “Pacemaker.” This key would unlock my dad’s pacemaker! I could get the Gem Of Immortality that powered Dad’s pacemaker! Oh! WoW! Was I excited!
And well, you know the rest of the story.

INCOGNITIVE INTERVIEW
– by Kattasrophe
Incognito is a returning player. He is a famous Siege player and pk. What makes him famous? His sarcastic, funny and truthful personality. Incognito had a short career as a news reporter ( a talented writer). And he is always up for shenanigans.
Warning: rumors of Incognito swooning injuries have been reported. One was about a PvP fight. A person named Guest posted on a thread, “His attack was mighty and he drove me off the bridge.” Prepare for more battles, shenanigans and sarcastic but hilarious comments.
Why is Incognito getting an interview? Because, as the report says, he is “Sheer awesomeness!”
“I deny everything, especially the parts that are true,” commented Incognito just as I turned in my report.

SWOONING INJURIES
– reported by Ru
Swooning injuries increase dramatically due to a person named Incognito.
“Half of the charm is the new born baby I’m holding. The other half is my sheer awesomeness.”
This reporter has to note that the baby is a true charm magnet.

KING’S AUCTION
On Saturday, 10th May at 3pm Eastern, the representatives of the King’s Council will be holding a shard public auction in order to give the people of Siege an opportunity to trade goods, promote shard interaction, and raise money for town treasuries. De’Tails at: http://uo2.stratics.com/community/threads/shard-public-auction.314642/

PROMOTE YOUR EVENT
Count us in on any player ran event to help promote it with something in the weekly paper. Leave a message for me here, or drop a book about it in my mailbox at  the Perilous Inquirer. The deadline for submissions is Wednesday for the issue that comes out Friday. Also, Kattasrophe is usually an active participant in player events and she is often game for reporting on it. Let Katt know.

The Perilous Inquirer
Vol. 1, 43rd Issue
3rd house on left out the Luna south gate.
News & Booze! Free current issues are on the “News” steward. Free named liquors are on the “Booze” steward. Back copies are free on the shop named, “Siege Droppings.” Submission guidelines are posted on the bulletin board.
Ace Reporter: Governor Lady Kattasrophe
Guest reporter: Ru
Deliveries: Doug The Fugitive

~sine die~

Join the discussion at:
http://uo2.stratics.com/community/threads/the-perilous-inquirer-43rd-issue.314964/