Jebediah’s Inferno: Or That Time We Killed Murdock …Again
WarderDragon

Last night, Britannians charged into the depths beneath Castle Blackthorne, not to check his wife’s plumbing, but to confront an old foe: Murdock. A man we seem to just keep killing. Again. And again. And again.

But let’s rewind a moment. This all began when Grindylow, the neon-haired she-tart of Britain, summoned us to confront a “noble from the land of Moonglow.” Apparently, she deduced, the people of Moonglow must be planning to kill us all, because we all know the first thing you do when invading a rival city-state is to go there – alone – and announce your threat to them. But, humoring her, we decided to get to the bottom of this. Because we have hearts, and we care.

Sure enough, an invasion was planned. Arriving on Eiffel Isle before the others, I and my trusty sidekick Sholto withered, slapped and dropkicked our way into the center of the island, clearing the way for the rest …because we’re just that awesome. Clue’s in the encampment suggested we seek out a Jebediah in Buccaneer’s Den.

The Pirate’s Isle, as it turns out, is Hell-adjacent, or at the very least home to a nasty dimensional rift. There, Jebediah, wreathed in flame and radiating all sort’s of bad guy spookiness, lamented his task and revealed his wish to retire from a life of jaywalking and mass-murder. Right, let’s help that. To do that, he would need our cooperation, but not before sending us through a three-dungeon obstacle course, because clearly Satan’s third cousin thought it amusing.

Seriously, I was playing Eye of the Tiger through the whole thing.

Having proved ourselves, Lucif…I mean Jebediah announced he would lead us on a quest to kill those who threaten Britain, because clearly we should be trusting the dude who almost just invaded us. He opened the gate, showing us all his mad skills, before leading us to a very familiar looking supervillain’s lair, where a quartet of very menacing looking faces announced we would be facing “our old nemesis.”

“You don’t mean Murdock, because that would be just-”

“…douchy.” The scenery around me changed, whisking me to the bowels beneath Britain, and to the center of Murdock’s encampment of evil. C’mon, what kind’ve supervillain uses his own name as the password!? Oh look, Controllers!

Some three-hundred flamestrikes later, Murdock lay dead. Again. Victory was ours. Jebediah got his wish, Britain would rise to see a new day, and all the usual suspects got their shinies. Awesome. But at the end of the day, I can’t help but be left with this one nagging question. We just helped a mass-murderer, and would-be invader, kill a Priest of the Light, in the name of good.

Why do I get the sense we killed the wrong guy?

Oh well. Now for a little Def Leppard…