THE YEW TIMES – A Newspaper for Sosaria

YEW TIMES Editoral Office

7 Feb 2012 11:56:35 EST

Issue 1 – Edition 3

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CURRENT NEWS

Accidental Tourist Takes Trip to Distant Lands
The mystery of items disappearing from containers may finally be resolved. Dread Lord Popeye reported that he had been consistently experiencing missing items from his home and pinpointed the loss to an armoir on an upper floor of his tower. While further investigating, he somehow passed through the back of the armoir into a snowy landscape, where he soon encountered, in his own words”a female RPer Ice-queen and a midget in a sled” who tried to alternately bribe him with candy and intimidate him. Popeye claimed that he became suspicious of their behavior and insisted upon searching the back of the sleigh for his missing belongings, causing the “midget” to issue threats and becoming quite annoying. Lord Popeye was disappointed that it only took two flamestrikes to take out the both of them, and that his belongings were nowhere to be found. Popeye pointed out that if lightweight RPers are going to play by Fel rules, they should have at least some decent gear.

Murderer Still at Large
Authorities are on the lookout for a violent felon by the name of Moustache Joe who is wanted on multiple counts of mass murder, piracy, arson, kidnapping, and removing tags from mattresses. The suspect is described as stocky, bald, with a scar on his cheek, missing the small finger on his right hand, dressed in dark green liveries, and having a very pretty mouth. Like all other Britannians, he is to be considered armed and dangerous. A reward of 10,000 gp is being offered for information leading to his capture.

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EDITORIALS

World Going on Trip In Handbasket
Citizens are upset and they have plenty of matches. For years they cried out while witnessing gruesome murders, while the delinquent guards stood about idly inside some invisible zone of deafness. Administrations overlooked the needs of the townspeople; its working class being denied insurance or even access to a proper dentist. But what may have been the final straw for the citizens of Britannia, is the recent housing decay incident. Grumbling behind their counters and in the fields were witnesses to the latest act of mass avarice by the privileged class blissfully looting the dispossessed, while the truly worthy are trapped in their meager existences serving the establishment. What is more unforgivable is that nobody made the effort to tell “those people” about this golden opportunity to get ahead, and perhaps to reach for the brass ring for once in their pitiful lives. So, while the “Haves” go about in their prosperous pursuits, they will not even deem to make eye contact with the “Have-Nots” who have been wearing the same pantaloons for an entire decade, whose significant others berate them for not having a new living room set since their home was first built. Who can blame them when they finally lash out against the system? And what do they get handed when they do cry out for equality? Bloody fish steaks! You just want to shout out to them, “Burn it all down! Just burn it to the ground!” But, who would they be hurting but themselves? How are they going to sleep when their beds are burning? Think of the children, wherever they are….

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TRAVELOGUE

Hidden Shame
Lying in the western side of the Peaks of Disgrace mountain range south of Yew, resides the dungeon called Shame. What once was a prospering gold mine in its time, is now the domain of elementals. The flooding of its chambers and attacks from the denizens of its depths drove the miners to safer endeavors. Only the remains of the miners and their abandoned equipment lingers behind as a testament of its original purpose. It is unclear if the elementals have always been the native inhabitants, perhaps freed from Shame’s depths by underground tremors or transported through the magical portals that allow transit between the levels. If such is the case, was it by accident or by design? What is certain is that in recent times, the occupants have grown more varied, more corrupted, and stronger. If Shame’s name is aptly chosen, then like many sins, its secret past has probably been long buried.

Reader Commentary
We asked Silvester Silverlips, veteran reader, bard/adventurer and interior decor savant what he thought about the recent changes in two of the land’s dungeons. Mister Silverlips stated, “I don’t know who is behind it but I hope they keep it up. When I laid eyes upon the “NEW” Shame, I could have quite literally died. The new monster colors are just breathtaking, and just dazzle the eye. I am trying to get my foot in the door early and enjoy the scene, before the bourgeois riffraff flood it and bring down the whole “energy” of the place.

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CLASSIFIEDS

To the abductors who kidnapped my mother-in-law. I apologize that am unable to get my hands on the funds to pay the ransom. 5,000 gold is far beyond my means. Perhaps I can pay in 50 gp installments every other week, or you can just hold onto her until I get the full amount. I spent 100 gp on this ad, so I’m already 2 weeks behind on the first payment. Sorry.

Dear Mister John Smith. I have managed to locate those LLAMAS that you asked for. I am sure that the clientelle at your STABLE will enjoy them. The blonde one is extremely TALENTED and is very good at doing TRICKS. The brunette LLAMA I mentioned is very classy and I would recommend charging extra for RIDES. I can also get you a LLAMA with great legs and nice smile, who is also good at mixing drinks, if you happen to be interested.

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ARTS AND LIVING

Green Thumb Reminder
Now is the time to plant those tulip bulbs.

This Month’s Horoscope
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The Peddler-January
Good luck is on your side today, because you’re tapped into a sense of higher purpose… jacking up the prices on your Luna vendors.

The Mongbat-February
People will be watching you more in the following days…most often at the bank..pointing at your crappy armor.

The Phoenix-March
Remember. Others admire a person who is straightforward and genuine. Work on faking those qualities and you’ll earn tons of respect.

The Sea Dragon-April
Today is a good time to be bold and take chances. See that thing over there? Go poke it with a stick.

The Hermit-May
Try to make it a point to improve your memory skills or write things down more often. All your plants are dead.

The Llama-June
In dealing with others, forget about winning or losing, and seek a compromise instead. Ask the other person what they need to feel comfortable and listen carefully when they answer. When their guard is down, grab all their cool stuff, and run.

The Ancient Wyrm-July
You have the attention of a certain person. You’ll build this person’s excitement and anticipation by not asking for what you want right off the bat.Then at that moment, you will strike and crush that person’s dreams.

The Anvil-August
The routine gets boring. That is, until you arrive on the scene to provide refreshing alternatives …and booze.

The Weaver-September
It’s time to start rebuilding some of those bridges you burned lately. Stupid Pyromaniac!

The Wisp-October
Grampa’s running around the neighborhood naked again. Looks like it’s your turn to bring him back.

The Unicorn-November
You’ve never been the type to believe in love at first sight, or anything else even slightly romantic, for that matter.

The Wanderer-December
Tonight, supper will be waiting for you. A dish of roasted chicken with potatoes. A fresh baked apple pie is cooling.  But someone forgot to goto the local tinker and get more plates. That’s when the fightin’ starts.

Figure out which month you were born on, to know your sign.

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