The Perilous Inquirer
Vol. 1, Third Issue
July 19, 2013

“blah” DECLARES WAR ON EVERYBODY
Too New To Defend Themselves
Lilith says it’s fine by her.  Brand new NEW2 newbs have reportedly lost their birth suits when ganked by NBK members bravely singing, Brave Sir Robin.
“Any new, minimum statistic, unequipped player who turns his or her back on a gang of NBK is looking for a stomping,” said Trix.
“She gets so excited she soils her armor,” Sugar Smacks noted from upwind.

UO GMs NOT CANNIBALS SAYS UO
UO spokesperson Woot Woot Barney today denounced as “mere speculation” reports that GMs lured players into a Tokuno wooded area for an Iron Chef Competition.
“They were the chefs,” Diablo accuses, “And we were the ingredients.”
This reporter stared at the veteran player, as he leaned noticeably to the left in the saddle. “What happened?” I asked.
“It was horrible. Some of us followed runes marked ‘Good Food’ to a woods. We were jumped by GMs wearing chef’s hats & carrying cleavers. They slaughtered several people I knew and popped them into open ovens. Then they danced around adding spices and chanting, ‘Kick-it-up-a-notch.'”
“They chased me,” Diablo said, “Yelling, ‘Get that one! He’s already half baked.'” The big man shifted uncomfortably in his saddle, leaned left again and fixed me with his steely eyes. “I can show you proof,” he said.  Diablo looked around carefully.
Then he dismounted and mooned me.
OMG! His left buttock is missing!
“They almost got me,” he said. “It was real close, I tell you.”
But UO spokesperson Woot Woot, even when confronted with this eye witness testimony, dismissed it derisively, saying only, “Well, that evidence is half-arsed, ain’t it?”

TINA TINK interview
– by Kattasrophe (Age 12)
Tina Tink, 58, is the guild leader of NEW2. She likes doing a little bit of everything ranging from helping people, crafting and fighting. Tina says one of her favorite things is doing the graduation ceremonies.
Tina says her sister, Freja (who is also Tina) is a much better fighter than her. She says one time she was mining in Britain and a bunch of thieves ordered all the miners to give them their jewels and ingots. “Two of the newbies went red that day,” said Tina.
Tina said one of the most important things she does is helping others anyway she can.

NOTE
Found on a body in the streets of Luna:  “I can’t take it anymore. I’m going for a walk.”

POETS CORNER
The ghosts on Siege ain’t the dead,
They’re the living you never see.
PKs who lose their heads
Are more alive than chars you can’t see.

CLASSIFIEDS
Chumlee is looking for shoes! Any kind will work (must be unblessed) and he prefers to take them off of your dead body.
Got shoes?
Then your gear is safe!

The Perilous Inquirer
Reporting on Siege Life
Address: 3rd house on left out the Luna south gate.
(Sealed copies of the current issue are on the steward.)
Publisher: The ROFLtimes
Editor: DeadBob
Reporters: Kattasrophe, Otero.
Reporters Wanted! Submit stories to [email protected]
Lawsuits: Dewey Cheatum & Howe

~sine die~

Join the discussion at
http://uo2.stratics.com/community/threads/the-perilous-inquirer-third-issue.302108/

The Perilous Inquirer
Vol. 1, Second Issue
July 12, 2013

THIEVES AUCTION
“On Your Side” and his girl friend “Up Yours” held a Purloined Auction yesterday in the Luna bank. At auction were pairs of scissors, bits of food and a pile of loomable (they swore) navel lint. “It took us weeks to steal all this,” said On Your Side.
Proceeds go to (they swear) to their fund for the widows & orphans of alien abductees.

OVERHEARD
in the Luna Lounge
Dionysis: “Hey! I gotta leak in my new cup!
Camriel: “Go ahead, it’s your cup.”

INTERVIEW Jack Straw
by Kattasrophe (age 12)
Jack Straw, 39, is a pirate and guild member of arrr who likes to PvP and role play.
Jack said that the leader of his guild, Parium, is very good. He also said Captain Sureno was a leader, and a very good one too.
Jack said his father was a bushido warrior, so he decided to become a swash buckler.
Jack spends most of his time drinking rum and thinking of past things he has done. As for things he likes to do it would be pvping, roleplay, t-maps and sailing the land.
Until my next interview with someone, thank you for reading about Jack Straw!
[Editor’s note: Hope you enjoyed this interview Katt died twice getting it.]

POET’S CORNER
The Moose Song
Oh, gorillas are fun on a Saturday night,
And lions and tigers can put up a fight,
But it’s not quite the same when I ram their caboose,
As the feeling I get when I hump on a moose.
– Robbed Roy

The CyBERNAUTS GUIDE
has This to say about Rules
There is only one rule: Anyone who tells you of a rule wants something from you.

HEALTH WARNING
The Ter Mur Surgeon General has determined that the current craze of breast feeding pigeons in the Queen’s Park is hazardous to your health.

FEATURED MALL
I4NI Vendors
53S,164E New Magincia
“Remember folks, at I4NI we cheat the Other guy & pass the savings on to You!”
 – Baby Doll

The Perilous Inquirer
A Meretricious Publication Reporting on Siege Life
Address: 3rd house on left out the Luna south gate
Publisher: The ROFLtimes
Editor: DeadBob
Reporters: Kattasrophe, Otero, Subzero
Reporters Wanted! Submit stories to [email protected]
Lawsuits: Dewey Cheatum & Howe

Many thanks to the supporters of The Perilous Inquirer for their gifts, their time and their encouragement:
Dionysis  Camriel  Nurse Miss Maude  Lord Waynbo  Kage Venator  & the Denizens of Siege Perilous!

~sine die~

Join the discussion at
http://uo2.stratics.com/community/threads/the-perilous-inquirer-second-issue.301839/

The Perilous Inquirer
Vol. 1, First Edition
July 4th, 2013

SIAMESE TWINS SPOTTED
A Canadian / Erotic Dancer was reported by members of the guild, Do-Right Knights (DoRK) who attempted to break up what appeared to be public coitus in the men’s room at Luna bank Thursday evening. When the increasingly angry couple could not be separated, a GM was summoned and it was discovered that the game had accidently fused the two characters at login.
“Ahhh. The old Siamese Twin bug,” GM Chevy explained.
(See next issue for screen shots.)

OLD2 RESURRECTED
The guild OLD has reappeared on Siege. Dedicated to helping players who have only 30 days to live, OLD2 provides exiting players with dynamic ways to divest themselves of worldly possessions.
“Go Naked Into The Light” is their motto and often the last thing members hear.

ELECTROSHOCK CLINIC OPENS
Nurse Miss Maude has announced the opening of her Electroshock Therapy Clinic in Exodus Lair.
“Patients plugged directly into the power source display amazing reactions,” said NM Maude. “You can see some of them on the videos in our gift shop.”

POETS CORNER
I wish I were a diamond ring
upon my Lulu’s hand,
Everytime she scratched her butt
I’d see the promised land.
– Robbed Roy, Poet, circa 1650

LETTERS
to the Editor
“Can you help me get started?”
– Atlantic Immigrant
“Sure. Join NEW2, play the game, contribute to the community.”
– Editor

“Why are house pads spawning all over?”
– DumFounded Vet
“They are unlikely to become full blown houses. According to EA Spokesperson Muddles Galore, production shard players with little interest in Siege Perilous have been permitted to place a 2nd house on Siege Perilous. Responding to criticism that most of these players are unlikely to give up the soft life on their home shard to work hard on Siege and actually build a house here, the EA Spokesperson fled.”
– Editor

Letters to the Editor may be dropped into the mailbox at DeadBob’s, 3rd house on the left out the Luna south gate.
No profanity please (Sorry, Rick Rude :p)

The Perilour Inquirer
A Meretricious Publication Reporting on Siege Life
Editor: DeadBob
Reporters: Wanted! Submit stories to [email protected]
 Lawsuits: Dewey Cheatum & Howe
A subsidiary of the ROFL Times, online gaming’s oldest newspaper.

Historical note:
In 1994, online games were played over long distance phone lines. The ROFLtimes was published weekly in Sierra’s game, INN / ImagiNation Network, until the game’s demise in March of 1995 and over the years since has appeared occasionally on UO Atlantic.
If any old INN players see this, we’d love to hear from you. – db

Join the discussion at
http://uo2.stratics.com/community/threads/the-perilous-inquirer-first-edition.301603/