Written by members of the UO community

Issue 3

WORLD NEWS

Golem Experiment Falls Flat

A year’s worth of dedication in perfecting the mechanical shepherd has been rife with numerous failures, says controversial tinker and inventor, Harvey Croblink. “Mind you, the mechanical golem though a modern marvel, is pretty much simple-minded in it’s tasks. It lacks the gentler touch,” says Harvey. Improvements in the golem’s intelligence and problem-solving capabilities seem to have made matters worse, despite the machine’s ability to understand more complex commands. An order to herd sheep to another corral, might result in the golem hurling the poor creatures in a catapult fashion 100 furlongs through the air. Bystanders were horrified to witness the metal colossus forcefully plowing a new born spring lamb through the narrow fenceposts when a request was made to retrieve any lost strays that had wandered off. Animal trainers have stated that the sheep are so traumatized at this point, that when they see the metal monster, they tend to try to hide under the nearest sheep and it is not uncommon for cowering sheep to inadvertantly be crushed under a massive sheep-pile in the interests of self-preservation. Last but not least are incidents where the golem will attempt to forcefully feed a malnurished sheep until it bursts. So it’s back to the drawing board for our famous tinker. Better luck with your next promising invention.

Cosmetologists Celibrate End to Animal Testing

Both cosmetologists and animal activists have something to cheer about since the move from animal to monster testing. Britannia’s hair dressers and body sculptors have long considered the possibilities; gazers with long silky lashes and shaded eyelids, Rotten corpses with perfect complection and sensuous lips, and the coveted project of the two headed ettin dying for a makeover. It is just a dream come true for those who have long petitioned for the dual platforms of greater compassion towards animals and a striving for greater beauty. And it is likely that neither group will be disappointed. Even at this time, the Sosarian Hairdresser Faction is looking to hire able bodied hunters to collect monsters for ethically questionable lipstick and blush experiments.

Local Man Rises Up in Society

It is a Special Day for local Yew resident, Toby who has moved up in rank from Village Idiot to Village Imbecile. Toby attributes his success to hard work and persistence and some other thing that he can’t remember; but it was something important. Toby stresses that he is not going to let his new found celebrity status go to his head, but he does have ambitions of graduating to Village Moron someday. “I’ve been getting a lot of attention,” Toby says. “I’m not anyone special. I put my shirt on like everyone else; one leg at a time!” Toby says the key to progress is consistency. Each day he wakes up in a random place; sometimes in the sheep pen, on a neighbor’s roof, or in an empty barrel at the mill. He then knocks door to door until someone gives him breakfast followed by a refreshing dip in the bay and a quick run through town in the nude to dry off. On most days, he spends his time pelting locals with dirt clods or making new friends with strangers then fling dirt clods at them. On wash day, Toby makes it a point to pull the fresh linens off the clotheslines and throw dirt clods on them. Locals testify that he used to “try to help” the monks at the abbey which would usually end with them cudgelling him. “They asked me not to come around anymore because I keep making them break their vows of silence,” Toby stated. “But, I didn’t get where I am today by giving up.”

TRAVELOGUE

FISHERMEN SPOOKED BY RECENT PHENOMENA

An alarming number of veteran fishermen and mariners have become increasingly concerned about the recent spate of unusual incidents and have convened to compare notes to determine which actions need to be taken, if necessary. Accounts range from the disappearances of lobster traps to the numerous breached and capsized vessels littering the waterways. Experienced angler, Loy Hargil related this narrative. “I was in me dinghy, setting out me traps early one mornin’, as I have occassion to do. Had nine..err, ten traps set, and after a time, it got all dead quiet. No seabirds, nothin’. Suddenly, the hackles on the back of me neck were standin’ up. There was a suddden ebb, and all me traps were sucked down all at once. Had they been secured fast to the boat, methinks it twood have taken me down with it.” Ultimately, no conclusions have been drawn on what is behind these bizarre occurrences.

ADVERTISMENTS

Play in the Yew Crypts and You Will Die If you are looking to play hide and seek in the old marble sarcophagi in Yew crypts, think again! Million of adventurers every year think its a good idea to play hide and seek in the old marble sarcophagi in the crypts. Imagine! You and your friends have had a few drinks and are looking for a good time, just playing around in the crypts. Suddenly, someone says, “Hey, let’s play hide and seek” and it seems like a good idea at the time. Pretty soon, you find yourself crawling into a sarcophagus thinking, “They’ll never find me in here.” Moments later, an alarm goes off in the wraith room, and the wraiths are moving in to suck out your life force. Meanwhile, you are struggling to get out, but the lid snaps closed and is far too heavy to lift. You frantically search for a unlatching mechanism but there are none; the handles are on the outside. What will you do? What will you do! Any wise adventurer with a little bit of crypt-smarts knows that sarcophagi might be a fun word to say, but they are not so fun to play in. There are a lot of better ways of having a good time. You can banks sit with your friends, escort local town citizens, or have a contest to see who can pick up the most reagents from the ground. So, be inventive and stay away from the crypts…or you will die. This has been a public service message from Sarcoffaco. We keep your loved ones fresh..

Make It Happen With the Captain

Do you feel angry, disenfranchancised, or just want to stick it to ‘the man’? Then reach for the longer burning fish oil prized by anarchists everywhere. Captain DeCamps Fish Oil is ideal for any serious activist who wants to lob incendiaries at the pigs or just anyone that happens to annoy them, because DeCamps has a much lower flash point. This means there is lesser risk of accidental self-inflicted injury before you can lob your favorite flaming mixture at its intended target. So whether you are out there on the streets to make a statement or you’re just angry at just about everything, make sure you remember to take the Captain with you. Be sure to look at the back label of our bottles for helpful easy-to-make incendiary mixtures that the whole family can get together to create.

Bulk Up, Mister!

Are you tired of being a 7 stone weakling? Are you tired of Tomb thieves kicking treasure sand in your face? Do you hear the snickering of bank-sitters behind your back when you take off your armor? Then maybe it’s time to enroll in the Charles Atlas of Britannia’s +25 powerscroll performance builder. The powerscoll performance builder made me such a perfect specimen of manhood, that I don’t even bother wearing more than a loincloth when I go out anymore. You will get instant results naturally, and have the body that will draw the eyes of ladies and female impersonators alike. So act now! Write to Most Developed Man 125 Luna Circle Malas and why you want to change your life. Please, also include a check for 17 million gold.

CLASSIFIEDS

Activists Looks for Like Minded Individuals

The L.A.M.P. Foundation is looking for like minded-individuals willing to dedicate their lives to a greater cause. We are working together to make a difference in the community through, Littering, Arson, Mayhem and Protesting. If you think you may have the skills to be an asset to LAMP, ask yourself this:

Litterers: Are you a free-form or structered litterer? How much time during the day do you dedicate to sending your special/sacred message? Do you believe in quantity or quality?

Arsonists: Do you believe in a spiritual communion with the fire elementals when you do your holy work? Do you enjoy touching the flames or do they still bother you? Do you have any problems with rope-burn? Mayhemers: How is that working out for you? Are you a power-maniac or artistic visionary? How is your relationship with your mom?

Protesters: Do you have a lot of of free time on your hands?

If you said YES to all of these questions, then you may be the one who we’ve been looking for. Please rant openly at any tavern or inn following a long night of drinking and we’ll contact you personally to see if you have what to takes to be one of us.

ARTS AND LIVING

Dear Tabi, I am a widower with the sweetest child a father can ask for. Recently, she got herself into the family way, and I was upset,as you can imagine. But, when her baby was born with 2 heads, I knew that it must have been sorcery and she had been innocent all along. She used to tell me that she didn’t even like the boys in town because they weren’t grown up enough for her. I should have known better, because the only time I’ve ever had to scold her is when a neighbor spotted her by that dangerous dungeon, Despise. She said that she likes picking flowers over there. Now, the entire town is insinuating some horrible things, but I refuse to listen. Tabi, what do I do to convince these people that there is a witch or sorcerer in our midst working evil against us?

Dear Concerned Dad, I understand that being the lone parent of a daughter must be difficult… Daddies never want to believe their lil girl’s kissing anyone, nevermind a two headed creature. We feed them all sorts of crazy ideals in Children’s Fairy Tales, volume 3.. A Princess kissing a frog and a Beauty kissing a beast are classic examples of this. It is possible that a witch or sorcerer is wielding a spell, or perhaps starting a race of subhumans to help conquer the world; slaughtering all who oppose them and bathing the world in a sea of blood. My gut tells me this is not the case. It is more plausible that she developed a fascination with one of these stories and acted upon them when flower-picking one day. There is a hint of naivety in your thinking, I fear; your claim of her innocence mirrors that of the Madonna. My advice to you is; rather than convincing others of some evil plot, it would be better to accept this new and horrific family member into your home and make your daughter aware of the reality of the situation. Perhaps you can connect with a lady friend with whom she feels comfortable to talk to create a dialogue. Then perhaps your daughter, the baby thing, and yourself can mature into a healthy family entity.  However, if I am wrong, please alert me immediately so I may escape to safety before the purge of humanity begins.

Dear Tabi, I am an old fashioned girl who has finally found the man of my dreams. Sure, he’s jealous, but he says it’s because my beauty drives him crazy. Ain’t that sweet? He once beat up a gazer because he thought it was looking at me in a lustful way. And talk about gallant! The other day after a heavy rain, there was a puddle in our path as we walked together. My honey removed his cloak and strangled five bystanders to build a bridge so that I wouldn’t get my feet wet. He treats me like a queen. The only problem that I have is that he won’t commit? Tabi, what’s a girl to do?

Dear Old Fashioned… Well, this “man” you have met has quite the appetite but I don’t think its the kind your mother can teach you to quell with some “good home cooking”. His appetition for destruction would send out a red flag in most females, that you find it gallant and appealing makes me wonder of your own gauge of humanity. I find myself asking more questions than have answers for. What were you thinking as you embarked the bridge made of the human remains: your feet may have been dry but your very soul tainted…. And you wish to entwine yourself to this “man of your dreams”? I would say you have a penchant for self destruction should you continue on this path you will find yourself adapting to his ways and a trail of mayhem shall follow you.. I ask you if this is truely the “dream” you wish to make reality. But, I am not going to judge you.

HOROSCOPES

The Peddler – January Your rivals will be defeated and your business will bloom. Avoid dairy products for the next few days.

The Mongbat – February You may grow nervous when others seem to know too much about you, but there doesn’t seem to be an easy way today of keeping your feelings hidden. Even if you go about your work in a quiet manner, somehow you still draw more attention than you want. “Aaaaaaah! Get out of my mind!!” You hope you didn’t just say that out loud.

The Phoenix – March It is painful to try to tackle work that’s over your head, out of your league and generally too difficult for your current ability. And yet, you’ll do this anyway — maybe because you recognize it as “character building.” or you’re some sort of masochist, hellbent on failure.

The Sea Dragon – April You don’t have to be good at everything. That’s one terrific aspect of having so many friends — On the other hand, you can buy soulstones and be good at everything. Then you won’t need any friends.

The Hermit – May This is by far the best horoscope of the whole lot, that it even surprised us. Congratulations!

The Llama – June Your outlook is bright, and you communicate well — people enjoy being around you; if only to pick your pockets.

The Ancient Wyrm – July Things are looking up for everyone around you. It is a very exciting time to be them. On the bright side, your mother-in-law who was staying with you for just 2 weeks broke her ankle, so you will get to wait on her for the next six months. Yay..

The Anvil – August Colleagues will remain friendly and your spouse will show warm feelings. Maybe your spouse will show warm feelings to your colleagues, who will in turn be very friendly to her. Maybe, you will walk in on them and surprise them when all this is happening, and everyone will feel quite embarassed.

The Weaver – September Someone will ask you a question that, in some subtle way, encourages you to commit to a position. Consider that it may not benefit you to take a position or even answer at all. Your best bet is to make up a ridiculous answer that doesn’t make sense, like your feelings about Yanni. Then they will be afraid to ask you any follow up questions.

The Wisp – October If spontaneous combustion runs in your family, you might want to take it easy today. Why not enjoy a delicious bagel!

The Unicorn – November The ones who put you on the defensive have something to teach you, as well. It’s not so easy to find the lesson when you’re in the middle of the fight, but later you can look back and see it very clearly. First you hate them, then you love them, then you kill them.

The Wanderer – December Raising children is like gardening; First, you start with a fertile environment, and watch them carefully. At times you must feed them poison, or the bugs will devour them.

From everyone here at the Yew Times, we all hope you all had a happy Easter!

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