YEW TIMES Editoral Office
21 Sep 2012 13:34:38 EST
Written by members of the community
ELDERLY EXHIBIT BAFFLING BEHAVIOR
Britannia’s recently appointed sleuth and oracle, Misk has been looking into the recent bizarre behavior of New Haven citizens offering quests to new adventurers in town. Industrious do-gooders looking to make a quick sack of gold have been oft times led on lengthy goose-chases for very little compensation for the effort. Misk claims that an attempt to create more diversity in the town community with a varied age range, may have affected those individuals’ personalities particularly towards the upper limits. In other words, old people are acting like old people. Most complaints include: Being asked for an escort to an elderly woman’s home, followed by a request to come inside and massage bunions, clean the oven, rub liniment on aching legs, lowering shelves, and cleaning rain gutters. Questors instead of receiving their usual 500 gold have been compensated with "something better than gold" such as dishes of stewed prunes, coupons, crocheted doilies, and bingo markers. Young adventurers will likely move onto greener pastures until the issue is resolved.
RIDDLE CONTEST OUTCOME DISAPPOINTS ATTENDEES
The second annual riddling contest ended on a particularly bad note leaving organizers to wonder if there will be a follow up next year. When participant Mordred Greyskull brought his attorney to accompany him, the judges should have seen the writing on the wall. "Greyskull wouldn’t have advanced as far as he had without the audacity of his lawyer arguing to legitimize his rIdiculously incorrect answers", claims one judge, Draven Rilit. "The crowds were incensed. The icing on the cake was with the final winning question. It was: I have been worshiped by many men. I make your bread and I give life. I will give you pain if you abuse me. If I am not watch carefully, I will go astray. But if you put me in water, I will die." Rilit says, "The answer of course was FIRE. But the fool insisted that the answer was A WIFE. When we challenged the notion that wives don’t die when you put them in water, his lawyer retorted, "They do if you weigh them down enough."
HEROIC CHICKEN SAVES TODDLER
Emily the chicken is celebrated as a hero today, following her rescue of the family’s 22 month old toddler who fell from the dock into the pond on their property. Emily began to cluck frantically which drew the attention of the boy’s mother, Livia Greenwell, who was doing housework and had not noticed the child’s disappearance. Greenwell asserted that before she could react, the plucky chicken launched itself into the water, and chickenpaddled the boy to shore. The boy has been examined by a local healer, and will not require any additional treatment.
STARGAZING SCHOLARS CALL FOR END TO SHENANIGANS
Mages in Moonglow are sending out a message to the wise-cracker who is putting black ink on the eyepiece of the great telescope to cease and desist immediately. Heironymous, chief astronomer in Moonglow conveys this message, "The whole black eye gag was a bit humorous at first; even I got a chuckle out of it. But it’s been several weeks now, and it’s already become a bit tiresome." There are no current leads on the identity of the prankster.
Welcome, gentle readers! Mr. Brucetta here, Designer to the GODS! How, you might ask, would one get such a lofty title? Self-claimed, of course! Just the other day I was taking a stroll through the Prism of Light, looking for inspiration (and the occasional crystal to augment my trust fund), when I was overtaken with ennui. I sat down on a FAR less than comfortable outcropping, and slipped into a fitful doze. When I awakened, I found myself in the middle of a humid and snake-infested jungle, with a large undistinguished Ankh behind me and a headless oaf in front of me. Well, I promptly raised my silver-handled walking stick and rapped the brute on the head… or where his head WOULD have been, had he had the sense to possess one… and surveyed my surroundings.
It took me only a moment (being a student of local geography) to realize that I was on the Isle of the Avatar. I also realized that the huge, worn Ankh behind me and the grimy blood-stained tile beneath my feet indicated that I had been transported to the Shrine of Humility. The first thing I thought, of course, was "How in Dupre’s name am I going to get back to a city with a tavern and a day spa?" The SECOND thing, however was the realization that all this Shrine needed to attract tourists… I mean PILGRIMS… was a MAKE-OVER! But the Humidity, the Heat from the Lava (they haven’t started calling it the Isle of Fire for nothing!), the Subtropical Foliage… Why would anyone EVER trek all the way out here… and then it struck me. A SPA! That is what this shrine needed. I knew at that moment that I had found a calling. I, Cornelius Brucetta, would take on the colossal task of remaking the Shrines of Britannia! Designer to the GODS! I would start here, at the Shrine of Humility. A Day Spa and Resort was perfect. Natural hot springs, built to exacting specifications and heated by the very Lava that flowed beneath my feet, where gentlefolks could relax with a facial and foot massage while contemplating their Humility. Balms and unguents made from the tropical plants. And fortune had smiled on me… just a short dragonboat ride away was the new Fortune’s Fire Casino!
This, of course, would be only the beginning. Every Shrine deserved the Mr. Brucetta treatment! The Shrine of Spirituality, with its raised platform and spectacular light show, would be PERFECT as a Medieval-themed Discoteque! The most sought-after DJ’s (that is Dulcimer-Jockeys, for the uninitiated!) in the land would clamor to spin on that white marble stage (the steps will have to be fixed to avoid lawsuits, of course). Unicorn jousting matches, fabulous feasts, and the occasional Arthurian RAVE… what could possibly say "Spirituality" better than a mindless, self-absorbed night on the dancefloor?
And Justice? JUSTICE! I have a WONDERFUL idea for the Shrine of Justice! We will do the ENTIRE area as Mount Olympus! Greek Columns… alabaster marble, of course! Statues of ALL the old Gods and Goddesses… Ares, Aphrodite, Poseidon, Apollo… oh, of COURSE Apollo! And sitting in Judgment, Zeus! One can bring their petty squabbles there, and by His whim, you either are rewarded with riches, or struck by a thunderbolt! And wrestling… there must be wrestling. Greek wrestling. Oh, it is just too fabulous! We MUST do it!
We will cover the entire peninsula in gold brick, laid by gargoyle slaves from Ter Mur (after all, the poor things really have nothing better to do. Have you seen those tents? Atrocious.) It will rise, step by step, brick by brick, to the Seat of Justice! Where reward and punishment are meted out by the whims of the old Gods! We will have to construct a lightning machine… real bolts, mind you! None of this magery nonsense… I want those peasants….er…citizens to KNOW when they have been hit!
Well, impassioned souls, I know that you cannot WAIT to experience the Mr. B Shrine Spectacular, so I am OFF! I promise sincerely to keep you updated! TaTa for now!
I’M NOT JUST THE BEAR CLUB PRESIDENT, I’M ALSO A CLIENT
Hi, I’m Thrud Sperling!
If you’re concerned about thinning hair, contact Bear Club for Men. We attach your choice of bear-headwear to your scalp to give you the freedom you always wanted. Your new bear weave will look and feel like a part of you. So, whether you’re battling mobs or just enjoying a romantic evening out on the town, you’ll feel confident with your new bearpiece. We even have polar bear weaves for older men for that mature, natural look. So, send for a brochure or write to us to receive alternatives about your hair loss.
PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE
The chief librarian at the Lyceaum has requested that we pass on this messages to our readers on his behalf:
Dear citizens of Britannia, In times such as these where the economy is in a slump, unemployment is climbing, and other forms of entertainment are unaffordable to many of us, is when assets such as free public libraries become more valuable. So, we ask that when you borrow a book, please return it; as the cost of replacing it becomes a burden on our budget, which is increasingly slimmer in these hard times. We have noticed in particular that books on suicide are not being returned at all. There has been a great demand for these books lately, with none to be readily available anywhere. Remember, readers turn to books to lift their spirits and sometimes to learn new skills when jobs are scarce. So, when these particular books are not returned, readers are deprived of that small glimmer of hope. So please, be responsible and remember to return your books.
Your fortune is not coming in very clearly…something about being buried under a pile of burning zombies, or something along those lines. I’m sure things will all work out for you.
A kind hearted dryad will grant you the opportunity to see the world through the eyes of nature by turning you into a tree. Then you will get dutch elm disease and a limb will fall off.
Ruthless agents of retribution will show up at your doorstep as a direct consequence of breaking that chain letter that you were so smug about being a total joke. So, who’s laughing now?
The Sea Dragon-April
It is time to get serious about career choices and stop all those silly get quick rich schemes. Remember the time that you trained a llama to jump onto the other end of a teeter totter so you’d be catapulted into Lord British’s treasury?
Someone will respond to your classified ad, that they too also enjoy long walks on the beach. As the relationship progresses, you will find that walking on the beach is your partner’s sole interest with the exclusion of everything else. Soon, you will discover that you probably didn’t enjoy long walks on the beach as much as you thought you did.
Why not make the best of your free time by focusing on self-improvement, and improving your vocabulary. By making your speaking much more good, people will think that your big words will make you sound much more smarter and when you go out to places where people go to do fun things, they will want to be around you.
The Ancient Wyrm-July
You are probably not receiving the respect that you think you deserve. Your pets make goofy imitations of you behind your back.
The planets will seemingly align in accordance with your will, providing you with the most favorable portents and blessings. From the perspective of those inhabiting those planets, this will spell disaster, death and destruction.
You will find yourself volunteering your time towards humanitarian causes; namely helping gargoyle junkies recover from their silver serpent venom addictions.
Your should ignore this horoscope entirely. It is very misleading and fixating on it will likely complicate matters in the long run with its vague statements and generalizations. As you are reading this, ninjas are stealing snacks from your pantry.
The full moons will have a powerful effect on the tides. This will have very little effect on your life unless you own a boat or live very close to shore.
The soulmate that you were destined to meet, has disappeared without a trace. Well, better luck to you in the next life.