YEW TIMES Editoral Office
18 Jul 2012 14:02:34 EST
Written by members of the community
Time Running Out for Gargoyle Cure
With every tragedy, comes both the do-gooders and the exploiters of said tragedy, and the recent epidemic afflicting the gargoyle race is no exception. When humans first made contact with the gargoyles there were those nay-sayers who said that we’d end up dealing with all of their baggage as well, and they were right. The bulk of the gargoyle race are homeless refugees squatting on the outskirts of the royal city as evil blobs of black jelly pick them off at random. Some cynics say that the situation has improved for these refugees, since the recent pandemic will make more housing available after their current owners shuffle off this mortal coil. But, there are those optimists out there trying to make a difference in finding a cure for this plague. As we speak, brave adventurers are culling the terathan species and worthless slimes for their body parts to be used in alchemaic concoctions to save the afflicted gargoyles. Of course, this activity does not go unprotested, as animal and monster rights activists question the practice of slaughtering one species to preserve another. This usually falls on deaf ears as very few, or rather none outside the activist community care about creepy bugs and mold anyway. And finally, there has been no lack of pioneers peddling bogus cures including aromatherapy and homeopathic remedies. Gargoyle victims of a recent scam complained that they took the lime and the coconut and put them both together as they were instructed , but afterwards they did not feel better as they were promised.
Frustrated Fey Friends Forsake Footwear Fabricator
Citing irreconcilable differences, brownie workers departed the employ of footwear mogol for greener pastures. Brownie spokesman, Pilwinkle Dabblewonkin had this to say, “When we first signed onto this job, it was largely out of pity for the poor cobbler. You see, at the time, the guy was barely making ends meet. He was in danger of losing his house, his wife was sick, and was way behind on his work, due to extreme exhaustion. He came to us for assistance, and in exchange for some honey cakes and sweet cream, we would work long into the night to fill his work orders. It seemed like a good idea at the time; we brownies are suckers for those damn honeycakes. Eventually, the cobbler got his life back on track, and was making gold hand over fist due to the demand for unique fey made footwear. We brownies were working around the clock for some honey cakes that turns out can be bought for 5 gold per dozen. Yeah, we brownies are pretty crappy businessmen. So now, the cobbler’s walking around like some bigshot, and hasn’t even made the effort to show a gesture of gratitude. It’s not about the honeycakes man, it’s about the respect! So, it’s back to Ilshenar for us.” There is no telling how this news will impact footwear purveyors, as authorities fear a repeat recurrence of the Sosarian Sandal Slayings where footwear fanatics hunted down innocent mages for their uniquely hued shoes.
Maritime Mystery Solved
After months of silence, there is finally news of the lost expedition led by Captain Dantes, whose vessel departed Vesper’s port four months ago. It is a grim tale to be certain; recounted by a sole survivor who lived to tell it. The survivor in question is a young lad by the name of Jack Lodel, who signed onto the crew to see the world. Later washed ashore; he would be found by the daughter of Marshal Sorrenson, a physician, who would be instrumental in aiding in his physical and mental recovery. Many nights, the young man’s cries of terror would awaken the household, and had to be put at ease. According to his caretaker, the recovery would be a rocky one with fragmented memories caused by a particularly traumatic experience. Sorenson stated that he was not sure what had triggered the memories, but it was overwhelming on how suddenly and in such detail they came flooding back. According to Jack, the Captain was searching for the cause of a phenomenon plaguing maritime travel, which he believed to be some sort of large aquatic creature. If they should encounter such a beast, the Captain came prepared with a hold full of gunpowder kegs which would be ignited and launched from a catapult-like device secured to the main deck. And they did. It first appeared to be a small island sitting out in the ocean, until it came to the realization of the crew that it was moving. They approached the “island” cautiously until they could make out its surface, which appeared to be made of some sort of etched and hardened material. Then the “island’s” head rose from the waters, dragon-like in appearance and seemingly unperturbed by the ship’s presence. It was not until the beast began to submerge that the captain grew very animated and insistent that his quarry not escape; ordering two crewman to load a gunpowder keg onto the launching mechanism. The keg landed in the water close to the creature’s head and exploded. The beast turned about upon the craft as it rose from the water, until it could be seen in its full horrifying form, comparatively dwarfing the vessel. It was some sort of chimera; an massive turtle body with a menacing dragon head which loomed over the craft. It briefly regarded the crewmen scurrying about frantically and gave out a deafening roar, prior to expelling a gout of flame from its throat onto the deck of the ship. The explosion of two score powderkegs tore through the fore deck and enveloped the cargo hold which held a further half ton of the kegs. The hull was sundered in two and rapidly took water. The young Lodel was fortunate enough to be on the aft deck at the time the incident occurred and although injured in the blast, managed to survive the brunt of the explosion. The rest of the crew were not so lucky. It is uncertain if the creature was killed or injured as well, as the youth soon afterwards lost consciousness due to his injuries. This account set us about on an investigation into the existence of such a creature, which would ultimately take us to the Lyceaum. There we would find accounts chronicling the era of the first cataclysm of Sosaria where the dragon turtles dwelled in the sea in great number, prior to the sinking of many continents and upheaval of newer land masses. It would be some irony if the creature itself, was the sole survivor of some great disaster which swept its own kind into oblivion.
When people think of the town of Minoc, images of a bustling and industrious community of miners and craftsmen comes to mind. If you have been a visitor yourself, the thing that likely made the deepest impression while you were there was colorful language used by tinkers; namely cussing. Whether used for insults, friendly greetings, or just passing the time, the tinkers of Minoc take their crafting of profanity as seriously as their own material creations. The locals say, whenever you are in a working environment, there are always incidents of banged thumbs and botched craftsmanship, and for those special occassions, you need the appropriate word or phrase to reflect your evaluation of the current circumstances. But there are those times even outside the workshop where the tinker’s second craft has come in so handy. If rumors are to believed, one Shiela O’Halligan, a tinker of petite stature faced off against the Covetous Irregulars, who caught her off guard as she was taking a stroll to the Minoc moongate. Reaching deep within herself like some sort of ascetic master, she unraveled a sixty-plus syllable string of filth so potently vile that her ambushers stumbled backwards with arms flailing as if poleaxed, giving her ample time to make her escape. As for her her attackers, they were never seen again in those parts, and there is no telling if they ever fully recovered from the experience. When outsiders ask the tinkering community if they are concerned whether their local vernacular is turning away visitors, they will often say that they don’t give something or another about that sort of stuff. So, if you are interested in meeting different people, then Minoc should be on your travel itinerary, but you might want to leave the kids at home.
When out visiting your favorite shop, whether it be in Luna or any location that offers special deals, always check the items before you purchase them. Due to the hard times that have befallen the cities, some merchants are fleecing anyone that they can. A monk at the winery reported that he recently saw the same robes that they sell for the modest price of 136 gold being sold by a vendor for an exhorbitant 1000 gold. Additionally, it seems when they have a fair quantity of resources on hand for 10,000 gold each, they might sneek in one deceptively priced at 100,000 gold, with hopes that you might not notice. Also, just because someone is selling some fancy item you may not have seen before, such as a TerMur Snowglobe, doesn’t mean you can’t obtain it yourself by some other means. So, before you purchase anything pricey, please take the time to research the item that you wish to buy and be more observant of the selling price.
This message has been brought to you by the Merchant’s Association.
With a Great Moustache Comes Great Responsibility
Whether pushing back the forces of Minax, or leading the charge against the demon-machine, Exodus, the one concern that Lord Dupre that will not have on his mind is an unkempt moustache. The Lord Dupre Moustache Trimmer (TM) ** guarantees a perfectly even trim of upper lip hair that is both dashing and charismatic; a moustache that says “Follow me.” So, whether it be on the battlefield or out on the town with the ladies, your moustache will be ready for whatever is thrown at it. The Lord Dupre Moustache Trimmer (TM) is light (1 stone) with a nightsight mod, for grooming even under the poorest lighting conditions. So, get yours while supplies last.
** Not officially endorsed by Lord Dupre
ARTS AND LIVING
When I go out sailing on my boat, I like to bring along my favorite chair. Recently, my friend joined me for a trip on the ocean. I was comfortably seated on the deck, and enjoying the brisk sea air, as my friend for some inexplicable reason pulls the chair out from under me. For reasons which I also cannot explain, I am now standing out in the middle of the ocean. According to my sextant, I am at 142 22N 92 27W. I am very afraid.
Signed, Afraid and standing in the middle of the ocean.
You should be afraid… if you are standing in the middle of the ocean and unable to walk on water… that is the state of mind one should be in! I hope and pray you are not asking me for directions, for I am on of those “challenged” characters in that department. When I am dropped off in Luna for a shopping spree, my biggest feat is finding my way back to the stables for my horse! and that is on dry land.. I could sprint my way to the moongate (probably circling it a time or two) but to be left out in the middle of the ocean! *gasps* I am having flashbacks to a time I was kidnapped on a ship with a “red” foxlike character whisking me away to parts unknown.. Bringing me to a few questions………… Are you alive…. Do you have a runebook……… if so………. use the first option available and get outta there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did you know?: The Jungle parrot, despite its diminutive size, has a crushing beak powerful enough to break the spine of its prey, the giant serpent. It then uses its strapping wings to lift the carcass up to its nest where it will feed its voraciously hungry chicks.
Quote of the Day: Give a murderer a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to kill fishermen, and you’ll feed him for a lifetime.”
A poorly thought out shortcut through the Fens of the Dead will leave you with bad foot mold. Invitations to parties and other private events will be very scarce this month.
You will be reunited with a dear friend that you have not seen since childhood, and you will have time to catch up and reminisce of old times. Your friend is currently serving a life sentence in Yew prison. Your cell is the one next to his.
A great burden will soon be lifted from your shoulders. It will be in the form of a backpack filled with 20,000 gold, and your benefactors will help lighten your load just as you are leaving Destard in Felucca.
The Sea Dragon-April
You are confident and have great nerve. You will be publicly jeered and heckled for trying to pocket the coins from the fountain in the Haven square.
A well-traveled individual will bequeath to you a vast sum. We hope you will enjoy the 20,000 fishsteaks
You discover that there is no truth to the rumor that you can gain superpowers from being bitten by unusual spiders after many failed attempts.
The Ancient Wyrm-July
Before you start thinking that you are hearing strange voices in your head, why don’t you first check to see if you forgot to turn off the comm crystal in your backpack, genius.
You will begin to question the character of the lawyer you chose to represent you when you notice a pickpocket dip in his office.
Your search for a gypsy alchemist who can brew you a love potion will be in vain. But she’ll hook you up with a great cure for your psoriasis
You will come to terms with and finally accept the fact that the more you try to make the sacrifice to travel the land, help people in need and put out their fires, the more they will hate you for helping other people somewhere else.
You will embark upon a relationship with a tillerman or tillerwoman, not for the hope of romance, but because you enjoy small talk.
Be careful that your curiosity doesn’t get the best of you. A lot of people have heard that curiosity killed the cat. But what most don’t know is that it was snooping in a crate and was poisoned, blown up and impaled by a crossbow bolt.