The Perilous Inquirer
Vol. 1, Third Issue
July 19, 2013
“blah” DECLARES WAR ON EVERYBODY
Too New To Defend Themselves
Lilith says it’s fine by her. Brand new NEW2 newbs have reportedly lost their birth suits when ganked by NBK members bravely singing, Brave Sir Robin.
“Any new, minimum statistic, unequipped player who turns his or her back on a gang of NBK is looking for a stomping,” said Trix.
“She gets so excited she soils her armor,” Sugar Smacks noted from upwind.
UO GMs NOT CANNIBALS SAYS UO
UO spokesperson Woot Woot Barney today denounced as “mere speculation” reports that GMs lured players into a Tokuno wooded area for an Iron Chef Competition.
“They were the chefs,” Diablo accuses, “And we were the ingredients.”
This reporter stared at the veteran player, as he leaned noticeably to the left in the saddle. “What happened?” I asked.
“It was horrible. Some of us followed runes marked ‘Good Food’ to a woods. We were jumped by GMs wearing chef’s hats & carrying cleavers. They slaughtered several people I knew and popped them into open ovens. Then they danced around adding spices and chanting, ‘Kick-it-up-a-notch.'”
“They chased me,” Diablo said, “Yelling, ‘Get that one! He’s already half baked.'” The big man shifted uncomfortably in his saddle, leaned left again and fixed me with his steely eyes. “I can show you proof,” he said. Diablo looked around carefully.
Then he dismounted and mooned me.
OMG! His left buttock is missing!
“They almost got me,” he said. “It was real close, I tell you.”
But UO spokesperson Woot Woot, even when confronted with this eye witness testimony, dismissed it derisively, saying only, “Well, that evidence is half-arsed, ain’t it?”
TINA TINK interview
– by Kattasrophe (Age 12)
Tina Tink, 58, is the guild leader of NEW2. She likes doing a little bit of everything ranging from helping people, crafting and fighting. Tina says one of her favorite things is doing the graduation ceremonies.
Tina says her sister, Freja (who is also Tina) is a much better fighter than her. She says one time she was mining in Britain and a bunch of thieves ordered all the miners to give them their jewels and ingots. “Two of the newbies went red that day,” said Tina.
Tina said one of the most important things she does is helping others anyway she can.
Found on a body in the streets of Luna: “I can’t take it anymore. I’m going for a walk.”
The ghosts on Siege ain’t the dead,
They’re the living you never see.
PKs who lose their heads
Are more alive than chars you can’t see.
Chumlee is looking for shoes! Any kind will work (must be unblessed) and he prefers to take them off of your dead body.
Then your gear is safe!
The Perilous Inquirer
Reporting on Siege Life
Address: 3rd house on left out the Luna south gate.
(Sealed copies of the current issue are on the steward.)
Publisher: The ROFLtimes
Reporters: Kattasrophe, Otero.
Reporters Wanted! Submit stories to [email protected]
Lawsuits: Dewey Cheatum & Howe
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